Imagining Dr. Seuss Receiving A Rejection Letter

Dear Mr. Geisel,

Due to the high volume of submissions I receive, I typically send form rejections.  However, your manuscript is so terrible I feel I must respond in person.  Needless to say, this project isn’t right for us.  Allow me to expound.

Do you really expect today’s uber-health-conscious parents to promote poor breakfast choices by reading this book to their children?  Seriously, it’s high-cholesterol and it’s been injected with green food coloring.  Furthermore, you have overlooked crucial details: are the eggs from cage-free chickens?  Is the ham made from organically-raised pigs, without the use of hormones or antibiotics?  I mean, have you even seen the movie “Babe”?  Have you looked at the current food trends in this country?  With “doctor” as part of your pseudonym, I must say I expected you to have done your research.

In terms of your illustrations – well, I’m not sure that revealing the fact that you imbibed a space rocket full of LSD in college should be part of the platform for a prospective children’s author. Food suggestions are not your strong suit, nor is humor.  There is nothing funny about the wildly improper grammar of the name Sam-I-Am.  I recommend you try writing something else.  Or perhaps you should try blogging awhile to strengthen your chops before trying your hand at another book.  I only hope it won’t be as ludicrous or outrageous as this submission.

Warm regards,  C.M. Rivers

 

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